Get ready for rainbow flags, clacking fans, and glitter galore - Pride is here, y’all! It’s a celebration! So how are you getting amongst it?
The answer to that question has definitely been a journey for me! I went from being “closeted” for the first 33 years of my life to now announcing the number of men I’ve slept with on my podcast. Range, honey!
No but in all seriousness, whether you’re queer or not, sex and sexuality can be quite complicated to navigate, let alone celebrate. It’s taken me decades to get to the place I am today, and I’ll be the first to say I’m still a work in progress! But in the name of possibly helping others on their way, I’d like to share a few lessons (some harder to learn than others) that have helped me develop a healthier relationship with parts of myself I once didn’t know what to do with.
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Like anything else, we all have social programming around sex, sexuality, gender expression, masculinity, femininity - the list goes on. Question them. Challenge them. Analyze them. Each perspective we hold has come from a source and it’s important to understand who and why. We all have our ignorances and as grown adults, it’s our responsibility to educate ourselves on them. Your very happiness could depend on it.
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Being in therapy for the last 10 years has been a game changer. It can be like dating in the way that you might need to kiss a few frogs before you find the right one so don’t let that deter you. Shop around till you find a therapist who clicks in all the right ways, understanding that there may come a point in the work where you’ve accomplished all you can together. If finances are an issue, do your Googles and research resources - I’ve accessed free/subsidized sessions for years through a number of LGBT Centres so if there’s one in your city, take advantage of whatever they have (sexual health check ups, medication, etc.) And remember - you do NOT have to wait till you’ve hit rock bottom to take that first step.
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It’s natural to yearn for a sense of belonging but not every space that’s labelled “LGBTQIA+ friendly” is going to be that for you. I’ve often felt out of place as have many of my closest friends who experience alienation for being femme, Black, fat, and/or trans. Queerness isn’t an automatic bond, it isn’t a caricature and it doesn’t look one way. Queerness is actually about stepping outside of societal norms and conventions. Rather than forcing myself to fit in (which let’s face it, that was never going to happen), I trusted the right people would find their way into my orbit, and I into theirs. It took a few years for me but don’t get discouraged - good things take time.
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Sex can be liberating. It can also be a prison. I had to learn what that difference was for my own sanity (and many may argue, for the sanity of the men I’d hook up with). At face value, for me, casual encounters, exploration and expression aren’t issues on their own. However, hooking up and using men to fill a void is. When it becomes an obsession for me, that’s not freeing at all. I was stuck in a cycle where I would seek out men for pleasure, which I perceived as great in the moment, but that quickly switched to feeling empty right after. While I have no judgment around my choices with sex, discernment in how I engage in it is necessary for my well-being.
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As public as I am about my sex life, at the end of the day, a person’s sexuality is no one's business but theirs. Every now and then, I’ll meet someone new and we’ll be mid-conversation where we reach a beat that presents an opportunity to either “come out” to them or just keep it moving. It used to be such a big deal to me where I was compelled to make it clear I’m gay as a form of pushing past any kind of shame or internal resistance. These days, the gravity of deciding if I’ll reveal I’m gay is more akin to me telling someone whether I’d showered that morning. It doesn’t really matter. I am so much more than who I’m attracted to. It’s the least interesting thing about me.
My sense of pride and comfort has taken on a number of iterations over the years. There’s no wrong or right way to do it - it’s something that needs to work for you. If you’re struggling to figure it out, that’s OK, it’ll come. Happy Pride.
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About the contributor: Kristian Fanene Manuwai is a writer, cultural curator, and former face of MTV. Follow him at @whatwouldkritdo.
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