Being Ok with Not Being Ok

Wellness can take on a million meanings with a million more ways to decorate it. With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I’m pulled towards sharing about very recent times, when my mental state was in shambles and I wasn’t doing well at all.

As someone who prides myself in my Light and my abilities to support others and accomplish whatever it is I set my mind to, 2025 was a year where I just couldn’t figure out how to pull it together. Life was kicking my ass on a daily basis - a combination of loss, heartbreak, and a crippling anxiety fueled primarily by fear had me hanging on by a thread. If I had to describe my mental, physical and spiritual health, I’d say it was down the toilet. I was numb to everything.

I tried all my usual tools to snap out of it - venting and processing in therapy, sitting with my emotions in meditation, writing down who and what I’m grateful for, getting out of my head and into my body through sports and working out, channeling my energy into creative projects, spending time with my loved ones and pouring myself into community. I’d find moments of relief but they were always so fleeting. This was a new low I’d never experienced. However, hitting a new low isn’t new, if that makes sense…

I’ve struggled with heavy bouts of grief before. I’ve lost myself in sex and addiction before. I’ve given into the darkest parts of me I vowed I’d never return to before. All the challenges that have hit me, they were “firsts” to me at some point. I got through them though. As overwhelmed as I was in each of those periods, they eventually passed. It was important to remind myself of that. It’s what gave me hope and pushed me to keep going.

It’s hard to see and feel any ounce of safety when you’re drowning in despair (the same way it’s easy to forget you’ve made it out before). But it’s there if you’re up for the fight. What does that fight look like? It really depends on the day.

When I started waking up in acceptance that I’ve fallen apart, yet still, I’m going to give it my best, with the understanding that my best looks different at any given moment - that lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. I could catch my breath. Giving myself permission to just be relieved my nerves of the pressure to show up in all the ways I was used to. It was in the joint efforts of being honest about where I’m at, and having the courage to keep trying no matter what, that a pathway forward emerged. It wasn’t easy but I got there, like I’d gotten there before.

Now that I’m steadily re-building my foundation, I’m back in a place where I have a real sense of self again. My sensitivities are restored. It’s a wholeness I’ve missed and can only fully appreciate having gone through what I have. So to that end, as tough as they may be, I’m thankful for every lesson that brings me closer to knowing who I am and what I’m capable of. 

The only certainty in this world is there will be uncertainty. We’ll continue to go through these waves of ups and downs and that’s exactly what life is made of - it’s what we are made of. The hurt, the mess, the pain, the resilience, the discovery, the triumph, the joy - that’s where our beauty lies and it’s what holds the balance of our well-being.

About the contributor: Kristian Fanene Manuwai is a writer, cultural curator, and former face of MTV. Follow him at @whatwouldkritdo.

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